i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
