I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Randomize
