at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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