Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
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