it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
