i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
There's even glitter on my cock...
Randomize
