He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
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