Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
