Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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