My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Randomize
