You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
Randomize
