Sacagawea was the original milf.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
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