No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
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