I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Randomize
