My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
