Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
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