Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
