Clothes are such an inconvenience.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Randomize
