Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Randomize
