The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
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