Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Randomize
