hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
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