woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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