Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
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