I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
Randomize