Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
Randomize
