I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Randomize
