My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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