Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Randomize
