fuck your aforementioned shoe
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize
