i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
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