The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
