I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
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