we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Randomize
