Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
