every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
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