After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
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