I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
