i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
Randomize
