don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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