I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
