I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
