he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Randomize
