My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
