If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
