He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Randomize
