I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
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