My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
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