Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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