I think I am morally bankrupt
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I am full of burrito and curiosity
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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