So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Randomize
