If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
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