def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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