so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
