she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Randomize
