it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
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