We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
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