I molested 6 butterflies tonight
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize
