sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
